Our story begins as all good stories do with our trusty protagonist seeking refuge from the colossal beatdown suffered at the hands of toxic Corporate America information security….blah, blah, blah, cupcake. No one cares!

Everyone has a special…er sob story about why their company is awesome, why they got into business to right all the wrongs in the world, and why their product is better just because of how this one time at band camp they hired E.T. to be their interior decorator just so they could hear it say “couch” over and over again in place of “sofa”, only to find out weeks later that little bastard had stolen their cell phone and racked up $4,500 in long-distance charges. Or how they brought Karen out of retirement from the Sunny Shores Seaside Community Convalescence Home to run their 24x7 sweatshop operations in Whogivesacrapistan only to see her horribly disfigured in a freak acetone accident caused by an over-medicated, eleven-year-old girl who had idolized her from birth.

Seriously pal, if you want to feel inspired by a real story never based on real events tune into Lifetime. This ain’t that! Our story is simple…WE ARE POOR!

Now stop wasting your time reading this drivel and GO BUY OUR MERCH!